CWS: Mermaids or Shoremaidens, You Tell me?

by Becky Kénaan

The Real Story of the Little Mermaid

Have you ever walked along the beach and wondered where certain items washed up by the tide come from? Well, many years ago, A certain sailor by the name of Freedom Rockfish opened his eyes to something very strange indeed on the strand of beach near his home... and it changed his life forever.

Gather around my children and I will tell you of a magical, mystical tale (or "tail" if you wish, Ha!) of a young mermaid by the name of Princess Sidneelia SwishelFin who had 4 other mermaid sisters - Princesses Libertisha, Lacisha, Breesha, and of course, Hadaralah. 

As you may know, mermaid creatures have been sighted in just about every ocean on Earth.  Reports on sightings have come from such diverse geographical parts of the World such as Europe, Asia, Africa and the Middle East. Why did you know that the Phoenicians considered a half human half fish named "Dagon" to be their deity? Certainly no glass ceiling in their ancient world! HA!

But THESE particular mermaids in this story were very different.  Unlike the ones you might have read about in Atlantis, these Mermaids and Mermen were from the undersea world of Jiveasia - whereas their mermaid "Oannes" culture was quite different from anywhere else on the planet. In fact, so different that all of the other Oannesian cultures stayed clear of them completely.

Certainly you have heard that a mermaid is a mythical creature that is half woman and half fish. Now, you may have heard that some mermaids have been described as being sea monsters and downright dangerous. Oh, Contraire! For these mermaid sisters were stunningly beautiful and kind-hearted. And they had all attended the Classic with Style's Undersea Campus, "Bubblethropia."  

As the story goes, Princess Sidneelia was told by her Mermaid Queen, Anroleela Tidebottom, that "When ya' turn sixteen mah' dear Princess Sidneelia, ya' kin go dig yo'self some puh'm wave and gots yo' snails done, den venture along de ocean currents and see fo' yo'self de land uh de humans. But once ya' see da damn land ya' gots'ta return and rememba' NEVER be lured onsho'e by nuthin dat may interest ya' - o' ya' gots'ta lose yo' tail and neva' be able t'return t'our underbooze wo'ld again. 'S coo', sis."

"Well dat plum sucks big time! Right on!" Sidneelia exclaimed. 

Princess Lacisha responded, Oh, clam it shut! Bitch! Youse bein' so's shellfish!  Besides, yo' Big Daddy, Neptune God Of De Sea - Zig Jive'n Kin'fish, would gots neva' approved uh ya' leavin' if it wuzn't fo' Queen Anroleela's insistence! Right on! Why, she used all uh ha' ways t'make dis happen fo' ya'. Do ya' dig it whut ah' am tryin' t'tell ya' yung lady? Why, she gots been boogeyin' ha' booty off around him fo' ya'! 

Neptune God of De Sea ~ Zig Jive'n Kin'fish

Finally that special day arrived and the kingdom celebrated Sidneelia's 16th Birthday with a wild party bash. Now, this was just no ordinary party... Imported Boston Clam Chowder, Escargot, Caviar from the Pacific Northwest, and Sidneelia's favorite - Sushi Sea Worms. Even King Zig Jive'n Kin'fish (Neptune) attended, bringing along a whole herd of seahorses with him so everyone could participate in water polo. It was to be a very classy event without a doubt.

After Sidneelia's birthday party was over, one by one the sisters went to the surface. Then it was the little mermaids turn. she went to the surface.

It was a horrible day for any human to be sailing on the seas... the ocean's surface was very restless with high stormy seas.  Legend has it that Mermaids have been blamed on many sailor's demise - for it has been said that they have the ability to sink ships and lure sailors to there doom - Or perhaps even rescue them.

Princess Libertisha, the youngest of the sister's exclaimed, "I plum duzn't see da damn point uh why ya' wanna boogie upside dese ho'rible ocean and see da damn human sho'eline. It makes absolutely no darn sense t'me at all! I recon' dat ya' is one crazy chick honkyfool t'be hangin' dis hun."

But the princess swam away anyway for the shoreline. As a side note it has been legend that mermaids can sink ships and possess sirens that could lure sailors to their doom. 

As she looked far across the ocean's peaking waves, she could see something being tossed violently on top of the water's surface.  It was a boat.  Being curious, she swam closer to see it. Inside the boat was a very handsome human sailor who was struggling to keep his boat afloat.

Suddenly the boat hit some rocks that weren't visible. The human was thrown overboard and into the water. The little mermaid swam and pulled him on land. As their eyes met each other's for the first time, she instantly fell in love.

But then suddenly the little mermaid saw other humans coming towards them. She kissed his forehead then jumped back into the water and swam away. She was in love and wanted to marry this human.  

The Great Sea Witch ~ Janefelia Blinkalot

She swam all the way back to Bubblethropia and immediately went to see the great sea witch, Janefelia Blinkalot.  She told her of her discovery and of her desire to marry this man. 

Janefella replied, "I gots'ta grant yo' wish, but ya' gots'ta gimme all uh yo' outfits includin' 'dat bling ya' gest picked at Lillou's... and if de man duz not love ya' ya' gots'ta turn into a green n' purple sea monsta' and ya' soul gots'ta be mine". 

The little mermaid agreed. 

Days passed and the sailor, Freedom Rockfish, had almost given up any hope of seeing this beautiful mermaid ever again. From his small beach house, he could see the the water's edge. He looked out everyday for his little mermaid until one day he saw something glittering across the surface of the water near dusk. Excited,  he ran down to see who or what it was. Could it be indeed the quest in finding a beautiful Little Mermaid? 

The Sailor ~ Freedom Rockfish

"Hello!, said Freedom to the Mermaid. " Can you speak english? Can you understand me?" The mermaid nodded her head in response. 

He then wrapped the precious Little Mermaid up in a blanket and took her back to his beach house where it was nice, warm and friendly. 

After he set a log and lit the kindling in the fireplace, he brought her over a warm glass of milk and and then sat next beside her.  "You know, he whispered softly to her, "The day you rescued me my dear maiden, it sounded like you were singing to me as you pulled me up from under the deep ocean where I almost nearly drowned."  

The Mermaid replied, "Oh dat? Well, dat wuz real not singin' ya' honkyfool - ah' wuz actually rappin' some hip hop beat dat ah' heard plum de oda' day and it plum stuck in mah' haid as ah' wuz pullin' ya' so'ry body fum de ocean. 'S coo', bro." 

His jaw dropped... He thought to himself,"How could one so beautiful talk with such a foreign and strange tongue?" He couldn't bring himself to understand as to why this beautiful maiden 's dialect seemed so foreign to him at all.  He did not know if his family would ever approve of her, not just because that she was a mermaid but a Jive'in' one at that. He asked her where she came from and she described in vivd detail for him the undersea world of Jiveasia and that she was a princess and was an aire to the kingdom's wealth once day.  His ears perked and he suddenly realized his fine "catch of the day."  

He then resolved in his mind on what he had to do. 

The next day her took her to see his speech therapist, Sir Jolly Roger of the Admiral's Second Fleet. Long retired now, Sir Roger became an expert at helping people overcome their linquistic challenges. As Freedom carried her into his office, Sir Roger noticed her fin sticking out of the blanket then immediately knew of the challenge he had before him. 
  

They then commenced her therapy.  "My dear Little Mermaid, I would like you to recite after me this sentence with these marbles placed in your mouth." 

"Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers," he resounded.  

"Peta' picked some pack uh pickled peppuh's," she replied.

"Okay..that is not too bad for starters, " Sir Rogers responded.

"Now dear, please listen and repeat this sentence to get good pronunciation and rhythm. - She sells seashells down by the seashore."

"She sells dem' seashells waaay down by de cee-sho'e," she uttered.

Try this once, Miss Sidneelia. " The rains in Spain fall mainly on the plains."

"O'dat b' easy!" She exclaimed... 

"Dem rainswat'r in Spain ja'dig fall t' mainly on de' plains."

"Okay.. I think that is enough for today. You may remove the marbles from your mouth my Dear, " he directed.

Months and months went by - and she improved each day.  Finally the day came when Freedom thought it was time for her to meet his family. He was very excited about this moment for if they accepted her, he would be set for life.

You must understand that being a sailor, Freedom came from a long heritage and lineage of famous sailors - Why, I will have you know that his great, great Grandpappy, Samuel Rockfish, was swallowed whole by some huge white whale. His Grandpappy later posthumously became a very famous legend in his seaside community.  Now as for his folks - his momma and his dadda - Skip & Bessie Rockfish...they were both retired fishermen (or more politically correct fisherman & fishwoman).  They struggled to make ends meet by running the local pub in their tiny fishing village of Sommersport in Ireland.

She had dressed special for him on this important day. She adorned her favorite bling necklace and seashore polo team jersey and put snail-glitter in her long flowing hair. She was so much in love with Freedom, and looked forward to becoming his bride and having schools of little fishies with him one day. Oh, I bet you think that they couldn't have sex?  Oh, quite the contrary!  I won't go into much detail now but all that I might add is that mermaids have the best darn booty in the world. Ha!

Freedom's Folks ~ Skip & Bessie Rockfish

So, anyway...where was I?  Oh yes..meeting his folks. They both arrived at his folks home and he knocked on the door. His father, Skip came to the door first and greeted them.  His eyes just about left their sockets when he saw Princess Sidneelia for the first time.  He had heard stories of mermaids but never saw one in real life, thinking of them only as myths of legends passed down from one generation to the next.

"I'm bloody well right pleased ter meet yor acquaintance and welcome yer ter this 'ousehold wiv open arms," he said to her. 

Mamma Rockfish then approached her and said, " 'Onestly me fair mermaid, I'm right 'appy ter meet yer also. I 'ave a look forward ter findin' out so much more about yer and where yer come from! Blimey!"

Princess scratched the top of her head as she struggle to understand them -listening to the both of them rant and rave about their son, and how he was the most famous fisherman in the town now for catching her.  Freedom then whispered into his mother's ear, "Psst...and Momma, I darn almost forgot to tell you - She will inherit the wealth of her kingdom one day and we will be set for life!" 

Little did Freedom realize that the princess had excellent hearing, far superior to humans indeed.  Her heart sank as she heard him exclaim his interest in only her wealth. Suddenly, the tone of the discussions changed and she asked of him this one simple question, "Freedom...Do you love me?"   He squirmed and fidgeted as he struggled to find the right words... "Well, I guess that I could learn to love you over time." he responded.  

The Real Princess Sidneelia

In a split second, the Princess was transformed into a large sea serpent! "Chomp, chomp, chomp!"  All three - Freedom, his momma and his papa were quickly devoured (whole like delicious sushi) by the Princess.  She quickly left quite annoyed and swam back to Jivasia to join her family - heartbroken that he did not love her the way she loved him.

When she returned, the sea witch returned the Princess to her beautiful mermaid form knowing of her broken heart and realizing that she was a bit over-reaching with the deal she made with the Princess. (Actually, the truth is that Zig Jive'n Kin'fish threatened her with a lifetime ban from shopping in the Bubblethropia Mall unless she withdrew the spell.)

The moral to this story is of course "Hell has no greater wrath than a woman scorned."  And this is especially true for all types of women - even the mermaid type.  

But, it also most certainly brings to truth the stories of avenging mermaids in "frenzied rage" and devouring sailors.  And now you understand why!  HA!